GODDAMNIT #poetry by jay

being speechless sneaks up on me, 

truth is, when it does, it feels new

as though i’ve never encountered

this feeling before

that big ball sitting in my chest

has been here before

and if i were honest, it is familiar, 

however, what is really irking me

is the inability to string any semblance

of phrases, words, or ideas

into a coherent, meaningful sentence that sparks 

any merit and appeals to my sense of well-being, 

that’s what truly confounds me

and as I sit with it, wondering where this feeling came from,

i remember i’m in mourning, gestation, hibernation, contemplation

waiting around for that, minute-hour-day,

my chest clears and my mind becomes lighter,

waiting for the hours to pass more quickly,

in anticipation, instead of dread,

instead of time standing still,

waiting to feel the excitement

of the sun rising, 

and the moon setting, and the horizon

calling my spirit to run towards it, you know,

that ever-moving, never-resting line, 

that calls a wander-lusting soul to journey

forward, toward it, 

in search of new and exciting terrains

instead i sit with it, i fight with it,

i lash out at it

goddamnit, when will I ever learn

©Jay Mora-Shihadeh

Photo by Edu Lauton on Unsplash